Reframing Dominance & Submission: Beyond the Leather and Whips
A Newsletter from Becoming Themself — Sex & Relationship Coaching
When most people hear the words dominance and submission, their minds jump straight to stereotypes: whips, leather, pain, and dark, heavy themes. While those elements certainly have their place in some kink dynamics, focusing only on the aesthetics misses the deeper magic of what’s actually happening underneath.
At its core, dominance and submission are about energy moving in space.
A simple (and ancient) way to hold this polarity is through energy movement:
Dominant energy is outward-moving. It surrounds, holds space, guides, and penetrates. It creates the vessel.
Submissive energy is inward-moving. It receives, feels, absorbs, and surrenders. It fills the vessel.
When we view power dynamics through this lens, we realize how universal—and deeply human—these desires actually are.
The Secret Desires We Hide in the Closet
In my practice, I see the friction created when people try to squeeze themselves into rigid, societal roles. So often, clients come in carrying heavy expectations of how they should show up based on their assigned gender at birth (AFAB or AMAB) or traditional gender expectations.
People assigned male at birth (AMAB) often walk in saying they feel pressured to be more dominant. But as we peel back the layers, what many truly crave is to be submissive. They want a safe place to lay down the weight of leadership, to be held, to have someone else take control, or even to be overpowered so they can finally drop into deep, restorative rest and receipt.
People assigned female at birth (AFAB) frequently come in wanting to explore soft submissiveness or traditional femininity, only to discover a fierce, powerful dominant side dying to come out. They want to lead, seduce, be worshipped, and step into their authority as a priestess, goddess, or dominatrix.
When people are given a safe, conscious space to claim their dominance, the impact doesn't stay in private. Their self-worth expands. They stand taller at work, express themselves more boldly in friendships, and honor a true, radiant part of themselves that was previously locked away.
Queer Dynamics:
Tops, Bottoms, and Reclaiming Power
Dominance and submission are by no means limited to cisgender or heterosexual relationships. The queer community has long led the way in expanding and honorably naming these dynamics.
In queer spaces, we often speak in terms of tops and bottoms (or switches)—terms that free us from traditional gender roles entirely:
A top steps into the space-holding, directive, or penetrating energy—whether that is physical, emotional, or psychological.
A bottom steps into the receiving, absorbing, and surrendering energy, anchoring the depth of the experience.
Queer culture reminds us that power play isn't tied to gender identity—it is an art form of consensual exchange, expression, and energy play open to everyone.
Culture and Access to Power Themes
It’s also important to acknowledge that our relationship to dominance and submission is deeply shaped by our cultural backgrounds.
Depending on your lineage, race, cultural conditioning, or lived experience, certain power dynamics may feel accessible, liberating, or deeply forbidden. For instance:
Some cultural backgrounds heavily reward stoic dominance, making submission feel like an unthinkable taboos—or, paradoxically, the exact medicine a person needs to find rest.
Other backgrounds conditioning folks toward hyper-compliance or servitude can make stepping into dominant authority feel terrifying, sacred, or wildly empowering.
Some themes may feel unavailable or unsafe for certain individuals due to historical or systemic trauma, while for others, exploring those exact themes in a safe, intentional container becomes a site of profound reclamation.
Recognizing how culture shapes our desires allows us to meet ourselves and our partners with far greater compassion and nuance.
Redefining Kink & Finding Resolution
We also need to demystify what "kink" really means. Kink isn't inherently sexual.
Sometimes kink is purely power play or sensation play. It might be deeply erotic, or it might simply be a playful, intentional role-play game. It can be a one-time exploration, a lifelong practice, or something that lives purely in your fantasy life to enrich your natural desire and vitality.
Ultimately, these dynamics offer resolution pathways for our everyday lives.
When we give ourselves permission to play out these dynamics consciously, we get to process stress, discharge unexpressed emotional energy, and step out of the daily demands of our lives. Meeting these core energetic needs creates a profound sense of inner peace, emotional resolution, and overall life fulfillment.
The Flavors of Surrender:
Types of Submissives & Bottoms
Submission and bottoming aren't one-size-fits-all. They express in distinct ways:
The "Good" Submissive/Bottom: Craves direction, loves following rules, and thrives on being celebrated, praised, and rewarded for their sweetness and devotion.
The "Naughty" Submissive/Bottom: Finds aliveness in being reprimanded, punished, or humiliated. They want to be celebrated specifically for their hedonistic, bad behavior—or use punishment as a doorway into deep release and pleasure.
The Brat: Wants to play, push back, and fight a little first! Brats test boundaries and demand extra energy from their top/dominant. They love a mix of praise and playful punishment, using resistance until they are lovingly overcome and overwhelmed, creating profound trust and depth.
The Flavors of Leadership:
Types of Dominants & Tops
Similarly, dominance and topping show up in a spectrum of flavors:
The Strict & Commanding: Clear, firm, and uncompromising.
The Nurturing & Disciplinary: Kind, encouraging, protective, and deeply caring in their containment.
The Tease: Thrives on building tension, stretching partners to their emotional or physical edges, and holding them in exquisite anticipation.
Most of us aren't just one type. We are a dynamic mix, shifting depending on who we are with and what unique alchemy is brought out in the dynamic.
We Are All Kinky (Even the "Vanilla" Among Us)
Even in everyday relationships, power dynamics are always at play. From traditional setups to non-traditional partnerships, power is continuously being exchanged.
I often joke that almost everyone is a little bit kinky—they just don’t realize how kinky their own belief systems are! Society's relationship structures spell out exactly who gets the power and how it gets wielded.
The most empowering truth about dominance and submission is that both partners hold equal power. One wields it through containment, impact, and structure; the other wields it through deep feeling, surrender, and emotional depth.
When both partners own how they want to give and receive power, the dynamic shifts from a rigid expectation into a rich, conscious dance of healing and joy.
Refinement Prompts for Your Audience:
What direction does your energy naturally want to move when you're in an intimate or relational space?
How has your gender assignment, identity, or cultural background shaped which power roles feel safe or forbidden to you?
✦ Ways to Play, Heal & Connect ✦
Whether you crave platonic nourishment, want to explore power dynamics in a safe group container, or are ready for deep private mentorship, here is what's coming up in our community:
* Cuddle Lab: A Platonic Nurturing Experience
A safe, grounded community container to practice boundaries, experience intentional platonic touch, and drop your relational armor.
Date: Friday, November 20th
Time: 6:00 PM – 9:00 PM (Doors close at 6:45 PM to protect the container)
Location: Nevada City / Grass Valley local venue (Address provided upon registration)
Tickets & Details: Link: Reserve Your Spot for Cuddle Lab here
* Kink Sandbox Series (Upcoming Cohort Waitlist)
An experimental, non-judgmental playground to explore power dynamics, energy movement, tops/bottoms, and sensation play beyond rigid stereotypes.
Format: Multi-week guided group container & live lab sessions
Status: Registration opening soon!
Get First Access: Reply "YES PLEASE" to this email or our social media posts to be added to the waitlist.
* Private Coaching: 1-on-1 & Couples Mentorship
Deep, personalized support to help you navigate relational alignment, reclaim your dominant or submissive energy, work through intimacy blocks, and build conscious partnership.
Offerings: Individual Intimacy & Power Coaching | Couples Communication & Dynamic Alignment
Availability: Now accepting applications for upcoming private client spots.
Book your 1:1 here: https://calendly.com/becomingthemself/online-sex-and-relationship-coaching?month=2026-11
Book Couples Mentorship here: https://calendly.com/becomingthemself/online-sex-and-relationship-coaching-1?month=2026-11
Stay wild,
Rachel Levesque
Founder of Becoming Themself
Somatica® Certified Sex & Relationship Coach, Intimacy Coach, & Bodyworker
