Your Erotic Map: A Roadmap to What You Want, What Moves You & Who You're Becoming
Last week, we talked about living more fully in this one beautiful, finite life—about grief, creativity, queerness, courage, and the invitation to stop making ourselves smaller.
This week, I want to take that conversation somewhere deeply personal:
Your erotic life.
Because when we begin coming home to ourselves, our sexuality often starts changing too.
Sometimes slowly.
Sometimes dramatically.
Sometimes in ways that surprise us.
We may discover that the things we thought we wanted no longer feel particularly interesting.
We may discover desires we didn't have language for before.
We may realize that something we've been calling a "sexual preference" is actually connected to a much deeper longing—to be desired, to surrender, to feel powerful, to be witnessed, to play, to escape, to connect, to transform, to feel sacred, to become someone we don't usually get to be.
And sometimes we discover that our erotic imagination is asking us to become bigger, not smaller.
Your sexuality isn't a checklist.
We often learn to think about sexuality as a list of activities:
Do I like this?
Would I try that?
Am I kinky?
Am I vanilla?
Am I monogamous?
Am I queer?
But eroticism is much more expansive than a list of things we do.
Your erotic self includes your body, imagination, emotions, identity, relationships, fantasies, sensations, values, spirituality, and the ways you experience yourself in connection with another person—or within your own erotic imagination.
So instead of only asking:
“What do I want to do?”
I'm inviting you to explore some deeper questions:
How do I want to feel?
Who do I want to be?
What kind of connection do I crave?
What awakens my imagination?
What experiences make me feel most alive?
Start with how you want to feel.
Maybe you want to feel:
Desired. Adored. Powerful. Surrendered. Special. Playful. Wild. Safe. Seen. Chosen. Connected. Mischievous. Humiliated. Confident. Free. Tender. Provocative. Devotional. Reverent. Sacred. Transformed. Grounded. Expansive. Exposed. Ecstatic.
Maybe you want intensity.
Maybe you want softness.
Maybe you want to laugh.
Maybe you want to disappear into sensation.
Maybe you want to feel deeply held.
Maybe you want to be the one in charge.
Maybe you want someone else to take the reins.
Maybe you want to be worshipped.
Maybe you want to worship.
Maybe you want to experience a trance-like state where your ordinary thinking gets quieter and your body, breath, sensation, imagination, or connection becomes more prominent.
Maybe eroticism for you is deeply spiritual.
For some people, sexuality is intertwined with sacred sexuality, ritual, devotion, worship, energetic connection, transcendence, or a sense of communion with something greater than themselves.
For others, erotic connection with the natural world, embodiment, earth, sensuality, or ecosexuality may be part of their erotic imagination.
And for some people, spirituality isn't part of their eroticism at all.
All of that is okay.
The point isn't to find the right category.
The point is to discover yours.
Your erotic mind has clues.
Pay attention to your fantasies.
The stories your mind creates.
The pornography or erotic media that consistently catches your attention.
The characters you're drawn toward.
The scenarios that make your imagination light up.
The dynamics you find yourself returning to.
Don't immediately ask:
“Would I actually do that?”
Instead ask:
“What is happening in this fantasy that my erotic mind finds compelling?”
Maybe it's power.
Maybe surrender.
Maybe novelty.
Maybe being desired.
Maybe being anonymous.
Maybe being witnessed.
Maybe transformation.
Maybe danger held inside a consensual container.
Maybe role play gives you permission to become a version of yourself that doesn't get much room in everyday life.
Maybe you're fascinated by dominance or submission.
Maybe you're drawn to BDSM, kink, fetish, sensation, ritual, restraint, service, teasing, control, surrender, or other forms of consensual erotic play.
Maybe you're curious about group experiences or opening your relationship.
Maybe your fantasies are romantic and deeply relational.
Maybe they're wildly imaginative and have very little to do with romance.
Maybe they're spiritual.
Maybe they're all of these things at once.
Your erotic imagination doesn't have to be a literal instruction manual.
Sometimes fantasy is symbolic.
It can tell us something about the feelings, dynamics, identities, experiences, or qualities of self that our erotic minds find compelling.
And sometimes it really does reveal something we want to explore.
The curiosity itself is valuable.
Expand your Erotic Menu
(Plus a Birthday Giveaway! 🎂)
I've created a comprehensive workbook to help you explore this: Your Erotic Map.
Rather than giving you a list of things you "should" try, Your Erotic Map invites you to create your own. You'll explore kink & BDSM, fetishes, sexual acts, relationship structures, identity & expression, role play & archetypes, sacred eroticism, and erotic adventure.
This super special digital workbook will officially retail for $49—but because my 44th birthday is coming up on September 9th, I want to give away 40 copies completely free as my gift to you!
Here is how to get your hands on one of the 40 free copies:
Send me an email right now saying: "I want it!"
Email me at: rachel.becomingthemself@gmail.com
On September 10th (the day after my birthday), I will pick 40 lucky, sexy people and send out the free workbooks directly to your inbox!
And there's one distinction I really want you to remember.
As you explore, separate:
Fantasy — something that turns on your imagination.
Curiosity — something you want to understand or learn more about.
Desire — something you genuinely want to experience.
Maybe — something you don't know about yet.
Not for me — something you know isn't right for you.
Yes — something you're ready to explore.
These aren't interchangeable.
Fantasy isn't a commitment. Curiosity isn't consent. Desire doesn't create an obligation for anyone else.
You are allowed to explore your erotic mind without immediately turning every discovery into an action.
Sometimes, particular fantasies are things we never actually want to do, but we think about them and it turns us on, so we keep thinking about , and that is all we need, our erotic thoughts belong to us.
The goal isn't to create the biggest possible sexual bucket list.
The goal is to become more fluent in yourself.
And then comes the relational piece.
Eventually, many of us want to share what we're discovering with someone else.
That can be exciting.
It can also be vulnerable.
Especially when our desires have changed.
Maybe your partner's desires have changed too.
Maybe one of you wants something the other doesn't.
Maybe you're curious about something you've never talked about before.
Maybe you're discovering that the relationship structure you want is evolving.
This is where erotic self-knowledge becomes relational skill.
Before you ask someone else to know you, it helps to know yourself.
And before you ask someone else to make room for your desires, it helps to learn how to communicate them without making them an obligation.
The workbook begins laying that groundwork.
You'll be invited to ask:
What am I actually wanting to share?
Am I asking for something, or am I simply wanting to be known?
What would I need to feel safe having this conversation?
How can I stay connected to myself if my partner has a different response?
Because intimacy isn't about making two people want exactly the same things.
It's about learning how to stay connected while making room for two whole people.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
This kind of exploration can be incredibly exciting.
It can also bring up shame, grief, fear, confusion, relationship tension, old conditioning, or questions you weren't expecting.
That's where coaching can be helpful.
In 1:1 coaching, we can explore your erotic self individually—your desires, fantasies, identity, embodiment, boundaries, curiosity, shame, kink, relationship structures, or the places where you feel ready to become more fully yourself.
And in couples work, we can explore what happens when two erotic maps meet.
We can work with desire differences, communication, consent, vulnerability, erotic exploration, relationship agreements, repair, and the sometimes complicated process of creating a relationship that has room for both people to evolve.
You don't need to know exactly what you want before you reach out.
“I know something is changing, and I want to understand it” is enough.
Only 2 spots left for Cuddle Lab!
Join me this Friday for The Cuddle Lab
an experiential workshop exploring consent, communication,
boundaries, and platonic touch in a welcoming and supportive space.
There are only 2 spots left, so if you’ve been curious about joining us, now’s the time!
Friday, September 11 | 6:00–9:30 PM PT
Your invitation this week
Message me "I want it" to enter the 44th Birthday Giveaway, grab your copy of Your Erotic Map, and give yourself some uninterrupted time.
You don't have to complete it all at once.
Start with one question:
If I gave myself permission to be genuinely curious about my erotic self—with no pressure to act, perform, define myself, or please anyone else—what would I want to know?
Then listen.
Notice what makes your body soften.
What makes you lean forward.
What makes you curious.
What makes you laugh.
What makes you blush.
What makes you feel expansive.
What makes you uncomfortable in an interesting way.
What makes you think, “Huh. I've never really let myself consider that before.”
That is information.
And information is a beautiful place to begin.
P.S. Don't forget—my 44th birthday is on September 9th!
Just reply/message me with "I want it" before then, and on 9/10 I’ll send out the free workbooks to 40 lucky, sexy readers before it goes to its full price of $49!
